Love Is More Than a Feeling: It Is Action, and It Is a Choice

Couples often arrive in my Encinitas office worried about the same thing: the spark has dimmed, so maybe the love is gone. Almost always, the love is not gone. What has gone quiet is the practice of it.

Feelings of love naturally rise and fall. A lasting relationship is supported by small, repeated actions that show your partner they still matter to you.

What loving as action actually looks like

Gottman's research keeps pointing at unglamorous, everyday moves:

• Turning toward small bids for attention instead of scrolling past them.
• Asking one real question a day and staying for the whole answer.
• Repairing quickly, 'that came out harsh, let me try again', instead of waiting to feel warm first.
• Knowing what your partner is currently stressed about, hoping for, and dreading.
• Choosing appreciation out loud, especially for the ordinary things.

When choosing feels impossible

Sometimes the reason you cannot choose your partner is not indifference. It may be exhaustion, resentment that never got heard, or an old wound that gets triggered every time you get close. That is work worth doing together rather than alone.

In couples sessions we slow the cycle down enough to see it, name what each of you is protecting, and practice new moves while you are both in the room.

Couples therapy in Encinitas

I am certified in Gottman Method Couples Therapy Level 1 and work with couples throughout Encinitas and North County San Diego, including partners who are not in crisis and simply want to stop drifting.